A Tale

Recently, a client concluded our session together with the statement, “I knew better, but I did it anyway.”

Moments later, another person confided to me, “Once I finally understood it, I stopped doing it.”

These two people had diametrically different understandings about Knowing.

The Tale Wagged

Which is closer to your understanding of "knowing"?

Here’s an exercise. Imagine a man who loves his wife and children, enjoys his work as an upholsterer (and supports his family well at it), is active in his church, sacrificially serving others in need.

Periodically, he stops at a bar on Friday nights, and drinks until he passes out or is picked up by the police, driving dangerously.

Careful, now; don’t judge him or categorize him or counter‑transfer. Let him sink in as a person, not a problem. You can call him Al; pretend he’s your brother. Pretend he commits suicide one day.

Now, here’s the question: had Al known better? Or was there something he never knew (“got”)?

I am not (you probably aren’t either) a trained philosopher, so it’s not an intellectual debate here about epistemology, a theory of human development or a model of pathology we’re interested in. Pretend he’s our brother. What could have saved him and his family?

Maybe this topic might be better worded: am I growing up? Am I “getting better?” Really, in the little ways, am I doing less harm? Doing more kindness, patience, healing? Am I? If so, it’s nice to share my tips with soul‑friends. If growing up is at a bit of a standstill, I can ask for help from anyone or anything. As I’m using the terms here, ask yourself if‑

• your behavior can ever be better than who you are, and

• your understanding (your deep “knowing”) is broken or if some pieces are missing.

Yeah, but how do we put it into practice?

Echoes

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Mary Oliver
"Wild Geese"
Dream Work

Oprah has a section in her magazine, titled “What I Know for Sure.” It has a strong, honest, authentic ring to it, and addresses spiritual realities she seems to have settled for herself, within herself.

Your Settled Issues will be different from hers, of course, but I hope you're doing this work, too. You will have do it sooner or later, and sooner is much better than later.