Echoes
Let your wants become so few
that you can pass through
the eye of a needle.
Anthony deMello
The Way to Love
Several of my friends are presently single, having married, raised children then become divorced. Usually they seem vigorous and content, pursuing their interests, enjoying their accomplishments and leisure times.
But when some of them have become involved with a possible partner, a surprising side of their personalities surfaces: they suddenly get Needy. Their center shifts to the other person. Companionship explodes into their primary concern; what had been a Want now escalates into a survival Need. They are a little sad, hesitant, linger when it’s time to go, the goodbye hug lasts a moment too long. They need to talk.
I have been single, single with children, unhappily married and (now) happily married, and I certainly prefer my present state. But I know my wife could be taken from me, and try to practice life without her. I don’t know if I would find resources inside me to make singleness okay again, but I work on undermining my preferences when they morph into needs. (Common thing)
So I practice Wanting my wife and practice Not Needing her; I intend not to invest too heavily in my excellent companion. (Similarly, I practice not to invest in my work too heavily, or to let my health become an idol, yet another god that cannot, must not, be trusted because it is so unreliable.)
It is so nice to be healthy, enjoy your work, have a partner you trust and laugh with, but these treasures really can rust or wane and die. "Sad, but true." (Fascinating old cliche)
My wife and I hope the friends mentioned above might remember that their pleasures are not entitlements, and that something deeper inside them is waiting to restore the contentment they have momentarily forgotten.
Let your wants become so few
that you can pass through
the eye of a needle.
Anthony deMello
The Way to Love
"Need" (the way I'm using the word here) is about survival: we need water, food and rest. "Wants" are about pleasure: I want fame and fortune, fun and health, a car that runs. But forced to examine things, I concede I could probably survive without satisfying these wants.
