Echoes
Never give advice until you’ve been asked for it three times.
Zen Saying
Jane Goodall
I was an intern chaplains at a large urban hospital, and about nine o’clock one night, I was coming on for an overnighter as Susan was leaving after a four-hour shift. She did this after working eight hours at her regular job, Her eyes were a little red‑rimmed, and she was tired. “How are you doing” she asked as she zipped up her coat for the cold night and a long drive home. “That group session Wednesday seemed a little hard on you."
“I’m doing pretty good. It’s bearing some good fruit . . . " I began, and she came over, unzipped her jacket. sat down and was ready to hear my story. You’d have thought she had nothing to do in her life but listen to my story. It dawned on me what she was doing. “Get outta here!" I said. “Are you crazy? You’re dead tired. We can talk about it later”
Susan was on my topic. I knew she valued me, and had suspended her own agenda. I pondered her strong example of listening for hours. Staying on your friend’s or client’s topic encourages and nourishes them.
A nice side-effect: it takes the pressure off of you to give advice or provide a solutions. Thinking I need to solve their problem always means that my problem has sneaked in; it’s my pain I really need to remove.
If someone really wants your advice, they'll ask you very pointedly. Until that happens, just listen. Wait. Be quiet. And sometimes we may ask a gentle question, full of respect for the other person’s bruises, especially since we don't even know what they are.
Never give advice until you’ve been asked for it three times.
Zen Saying
Jane Goodall
When you’re having a conversation, it's appropriate to make a contribution from time to time. But I’ll bet the folks you enjoy the most are the ones that seem to hang on your every word, right? Come on, now, be honest. They stay on your topic!