Echoes
Sometimes it’s worse to win a fight
than to lose it.
Billie Holiday
In a fight between you and the world,
pick the world.
Frank Zappa
Real Frank Zappa Book
From the next table in the restaurant, I overheard the closing dialogue of a conversation that had been going on for some time (might have been for few years).
“You, sir," (she paused) "are a wet blanket!” They didn’t look like they would be coming to blows later.
“I sense, dear” he said, using her same tone as they rose to leave, “that you (pause) are in the mood to burn.”
Good stuff! I had to jot that one down, for sure. (Maybe they were writers.) They had been doing conflict nicely, telling the “opponent” exactly how they felt, what was important to them, responding with respect for the other person’s self and needs, clarifying their own, sweeping nothing under the carpet, yet no one was throwing sand either.
That kind of dialogue is the exception, not the rule. Usually fights are punishing contests, revenge fests, destructive, bloody, and indelible battles. What do you do when you’re feeling mad, deceived and/or hurt? More importantly, how does it come to an end?
The first step for me seems to be a kind of exhaustion: I see I’m worn out by close hand‑to‑hand combat with a friend, my spouse, or a co‑worker. Around the same time, it also dawns on me that, in some sense, I’ve been enjoying the excitement generated by my little soap‑opera.
And then, for some reason, on the heels of these two realizations comes a small shift toward a less conflictual angle of vision: what’s going on inside of me becomes more interesting than winning the contest; what’s going on below the surface of the other person becomes more interesting, too.
Overall, my inner attitude shifts to one of intrigue, the mood I have when watching a thriller on DVD, or reading a mystery, or even doing puzzles of various kinds.
Sometimes it’s worse to win a fight
than to lose it.
Billie Holiday
In a fight between you and the world,
pick the world.
Frank Zappa
Real Frank Zappa Book
