He had slept with his friend’s wife, and the truth had become known to all ‑ his friend, the parents, other acquaintances. He had justified his behavior in a number of ways (she was so lonely; I was so lonely; Bob didn’t pay her any attention; I really intended to marry her; etc.). Finally, it became clear: he had been thoroughly selfish, self‑centered, manipulative, dishonest, disloyal, and crude. Worse, he somehow sensed that he would remain crippled by his acts for years to come unless something drastically conclusive was done.
Many people had been damaged; several had looked up to him. They hated him now, would look daggers through him if they met in a store.
One day, he heard a man speak simply about what people must do when they wrong others. He knew the man's remarks were exactly accurate and perfectly thorough and true. The next day, he made a list of everyone who might have been injured by his actions. With a script (so he wouldn’t babble) and a towel to mop his sweating face and hands, he began to phone each person, telling them he had wronged them and asking for their forgiveness.
In two hours, he was done. Every person but one had been grasped by his sincerity and had forgiven him. One withheld forgiveness, but his guilt and shame were diminished even in that relationship.
The relief seemed larger than himself, transcendent, lucent, miraculous. The load never came back: years later, he still ponders it, amazed.
In my experience, too, complete apology has proven so powerful that it seemed almost an epiphany, a divine encounter. I have seen full apology trap and bury guilt and shame. When given without any conditions or reservations, it can utterly release one or both parties.
Apology without any excuses or defense, fully owned, devoid of any blame‑shifting, is very rare. I often have a string of conditions attached to my apologies, even if they’re just a faint inflection in my voice that implies, “If only she hadn’t. . .” or “I was only. . . .”
That does not do the job. It's not even a start.
Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
Kimberly Johnson
We have not passed from childhood to adulthood until we stop saying, “It got lost,” and start saying, “I lost it.”
Sidney J. Harris
No matter how far you have gone down the wrong road, turn back.
Turkish Proverb