Barreling down the freeway, I need to pass. I give a signal, but the guy behind and to my left (my passing lane) speeds up and pins me to the slow lane. I’m late; people are expecting me. The Anger wells up. What to do? Plan my revenge (how can I get ahead of that @#)? Shoot him the bird? Get his license number and turn him in? Nah; I don’t have time, plus he didn’t really break a law.
Blocked in those responses, I go Moralising: I start “oughting” on him. He takes an off‑ramp. Now the oughting needs a new anchor, so I “ought” some on myself, too: what’s wrong with me? Why do I do this? Why am I so quick to flip out into all the destructive stuff? I need to be in therapy; it’s my mother’s fault. If I didn’t have to go to a job, none of this would happen.
Sometimes "Shoulding" gets out of hand, escalating to shame (comparing myself to a standard that seems better than me).* If I want to get out from under this burden of shame or guilt, tracing one of my little Gollums** to its origin often causes it to disappear.
For example, telling myself to stop being rude is like trying to taste my own tongue. This unruly child is me. I have to welcome him home, poor guy, if he's ever going to settle down.
I breathe; I listen. For once, the anger has my attention, and I trace it to its source. The first stop is Fear: if I don’t impress the people expecting me, make them think highly of me, my career may be stunted, or I’ll be left out, maybe even ridiculed! Oh, no!
Oh, yes! Once it has its full say, and I just camp out for a while with the feeling, it begins to break up into littler pieces. The First Stop (Fear) was, this time, the only place I needed to go; when I see What Really Is, it dawns on me that impressing them is out of my control; no way can I guarantee the outcome; I am powerless.
And then. The little kid starts to breathe again. I am (we are) peaceful again.
*In one of his earlier visits to America, the Dalai Lama had so much difficulty understanding questions about shame from his American audience that he and his associates finally realized that our pervading sense of "I'm not good enough" was simply not present in Tibetans.
We cannot change anything
until we accept it.
Condemnation does not liberate,
it oppresses.
C. G. Jung
Psychological Reflections
**My favorite visual for the ego is Gollum,
the wheedling, slinking little stinker
in Lord of the Rings.
