A Tale

“You’re such a gooooood artist!” my friend Joyce gushes to her daughter, Annie. She beams at me, raises her eyebrows, “Isn’t she wonderful?” she nods her head expectantly, silently insisting I agree. I do smile, but Annie is fifteen, smart, has dashed off the sketch in a few seconds, and we (Annie and I) both know it's sloppy.

Annie looks at me, I look at her, we look at the sketch, and back at each other. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head so that her mom can’t see. “Mom means well, but...“ her eyes clearly say.

Joyce is still waiting for my agreement. The air turns awkward, but Annie bails me out, and guides the conversation in a new direction.

Awesome kid.

The Tale Wagged

Very cool story. In this little scenario, a mom drives a wedge between herself and her daughter. She positions herself as either ignorant or a liar in her daughter’s eyes, and I squirm, grasping for a way to correct her faux pas. This happens hundreds of times a day, and everybody thinks it's normal.

Of course, it wasn’t my place to set Joyce straight; she doesn’t seem ready to hear. And Annie is okay with the way things are. Joyce is the one I wanted to help, wanted to lighten a bit about controlling her daughter’s future, but she was so sure she was doing the mother’s job, certain that it was love. I chewed it over until I stumbled on this thought, and brought it to you instead.

So what is the line between encouraging and manipulating? I’d say it’s whether I respect you in our interaction, that is, whether I'm willing to let you evolve in ways I never anticipated, willing to release you into God’s care and direction, having simply offered you a gift with no strings attached.

But if I detect in myself a desire to make you go my way, I’m manipulating, almost guaranteed. And check out the graphic to your right: it's not even a real carrot!

Yeah, but how do we put it into practice?

Echoes

Speaking the truth is an option.
Seeing it is not.
Source Unknown -
maybe I made it up.

Men are used
as they use others.
Bilpay
(a Brahmin who lived several centuries before Christ)

When I encourage someone, I highlight something good within them that they may have overlooked. When I manipulate them, I try to sneak in my idea, my agenda (“I know what’s best”) with or without their invitation, with or without an accurate reading of their needs, with or without testing whether my shoe fits their foot.